I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
