Your face is a jimmy john
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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