My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
