it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
