In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
