so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
