a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
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