pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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