Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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