Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
