your thong is hanging out like whoa
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
