Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
