Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
