I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
