Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
