The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Floor bacon is actually really good
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
