operation have a gay friend backfired
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
