My nipple is on Facebook.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Randomize
