Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
