So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
