wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
