A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
