I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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