Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
