Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
