Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
