i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
