Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
