I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
