i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
even my farts smell like vagina
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
