I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
