if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
