This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
