I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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