you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
