Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
