im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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