I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
