LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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