This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
