Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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