Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
