You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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