so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
