I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Randomize
