youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
