Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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