I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
