I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
