I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
